2009

6th October 2009

"Slow your pace now Scorpio. Attention to detail is everything today. This can be your chance to turn life around in your favour, and to even make up for those major setbacks earlier in the year." "A close one has been more than a little distant from you recently Capricorn. They'll be back though, and stronger and better than before, once they've tied up this personal issue that's become their mission."

6th September 2009

“It is unnecessary to set forth this idea in greater detail, because everyone is familiar with it and proofs of its accuracy are supplied in infinite abundance by common observation. Nietzsche accepted it as demonstrated. When he set out to pursue the subject further, he rejected entirely the Schopenhauerean corollary that man should ever regard woman as his enemy, and should seek, by all means within his power, to escape her insidious influence. Such a notion naturally outraged the philosopher of the superman. He was never an advocate of running away: to all the facts of existence he said “yes.” His ideal was not resignation or flight, but an intelligent defiance and opposition. Therefore, he argued that man should accept woman as a natural opponent arrayed against him for the benevolent purpose of stimulating him to constant efficiency. Opposition, he pointed out, was a necessary forerunner of function, and in consequence the fact that woman spent her entire effort in a ceaseless endeavor to undermine and change the will of man, merely served to make this will alert and strong, and so increased man’s capacity for meeting and overcoming the enemies of his existence.”

“A man conscious of his strength, observes Nietzsche, need have no fear of women. It is only the man who finds himself utterly helpless in the face of feminine cajolery that must cry, “Get thee behind me, Satan!” and flee. “It is only the most sensual men,” he says, “who have to shun women and torture their bodies.” The normal, healthy man, despite the strong appeal which women make to him by their subtle putting forward of the sexual idea – visually as dress, coquetry and what not – still keeps a level head. He is strong enough to weather the sexual storm. But the man who cannot do this, who experiences no normal reaction in the direction of guardedness and caution and reason, must either abandon himself utterly as a helpless slave to woman’s instinct of race-preservation, and so become a bestial voluptuary, or avoid temptation altogether and so become a celibate.”

27th July 2009

"Mad, bad, and dangerous to know". “The young lord tore across Europe on a tour of such depravity that Led Zeppelin’s groupie peak is like a Boy Scout jamboree by comparison.” Rupert's road to poetic depravity. I will never be able to travel again. 

The depravity I used to travel around Europe with. That was beautiful in my memory, but I also remember the horrible sadness of it, those nights walking past Ciro agonising whether to go in. Those sad journeys home from Nuremberg, sad walks back from Atlantic City or Sexyland. So depressing, tawdry, empty, disappointing. Those sad walks back from Riccarda or Iga. The happiness of being with Adelaide. 

Oh but to sit next to a big tit whore in Berlin now and feel her tits and let her feel my cock. Or to go see Clarisse in Brussels now.  *** Yes I realise I wrote a four volume series to cover the years of my life 1996-2008. Four books to cover 12 years. That way of writing is over. My new book will be the story of me and Adelaide, THE STRIPPER. Told as a story this time, not a journal of my mind like the first four. My four books ARE an extraordinary record. They do have value, like Nietzsche's books. Now I will write my Sally Bowles book. Adelaide deserves to be immortalised. ** "Be careful of giving a dog a bad name this week, Capricorn. Mud thrown by you is going to stick, so make sure that you sling it only in proportion to the crime that's been committed. Let's face it, you could pretty much ruin someone else's life right now if you chose to--but trust me, it's far better to show a bit of compassion." BE HAPPY! THREE DAYS WITHOUT SPENDING MONEY! THREE DAYS SOBER! 

4th February 2009

So the sixth day without seeing Adelaide begins. Capricorn: "Is there really method in your madness, Capricorn? It's what you've been telling everyone as an explanation for your haphazard approach to an important project, but do you really still believe your own myth? If it's dawned on you that you don't have a clue what you're doing, then the time has come to own up and seek help."
I am a mad, crazy, wild genius. That is how I will get Adelaide back. I will mind fuck her, and I will mind fuck all her friends—confound them!—to show them how strong I am. I am the Joker. I want to go to great lengths to gain things just so I can throw them away. Oh how glorious, how delicious it was to discover her as —! That was a thing of brilliance that I did. Gleeful mischievous DEVIL.

2nd February 2009

I owe Europe so much. Behind everything I write is sex, like in Nietzsche, and Kant. With my history, I could never be with a "good girl"; I need to be with a naughty girl. I love Adelaide's naughtiness, it turns me on--so much. It is always good to throw a stone in the pond, and make ripples. It is always good to throw a bomb, and make an explosion. 

There is a streak of Beardsleyian perversity in all my writing, even when writing of loneliness and despair. Gleeful mischievous devilishness behind everything, always threatening to break out and destroy (create) everything. I need to understand my power. Before I can come into my power. The strange heat death of the universe had turned into the start of the Ice Age. Adelaide stood by the side of the stage, awaiting the first chords of her accompanying song. Amidst the green ferns and brown urns, she looked from the black shadows into my eyes at the back. What passed between us. So much always passed between us. Pain, longing, desire, lust, despair, jealousy, shame, excitement, anticipation. She was the greatest drug. I always needed my fix. She hated my loathsome addiction on her but I didn't care, I could not help it. I could not live without her.