2019

  

2nd January 2019

"By the time he left England for Europe in the spring of 1816, he had become famously famous overnight as the author of Childe Harold, and notorious for his many affairs with servants, actresses and duchesses, culminating in the debacle with the unstable Lady Caroline Lamb and his ‘incestuous’ relationship with his half-sister, Augusta Leigh. He was well known as a ‘regency rake’ and a virulent anti-Tory in the House of Lords, a combination barely imaginable now. He was an admirer of the French Revolution and of Napoleon when this was an unpatriotic thing to be.

Early in 1816, his cover had been blown. His determinedly debauched life had become a scandal and he was suffering a catastrophic disillusionment with himself and with the corrupt hypocrisy of the English ruling class – reflected, he believed, in the fashionable disgust with which his private affairs were treated. ‘I have been more ravished,’ he would write in a letter in 1819, ‘than anybody since the Trojan war.’ That he needed to get away was not a surprise. He was, he wrote, ‘like the stag at bay who betakes him to the waters’, but he wasn’t sure, when he set out for Geneva, whether he was going to a spa to recover, or to his death from the ‘envy, jealousy and all the uncharitableness’ of the English he had grown to hate. The Byron Ellis describes wanted to see the sights rather than to be one."

9th December 2019

The concept of ur is important to me. I have a number of ur songs. Alcazar, Alizee. Munich Vienna Berlin Brussels are my ur cities. You carry the weather with you, blood on the tracks, bloom and blossom, these are some of the recurring themes of my life. The idea of one great masterwork which a writer works on for decades, and may not even be finished at author's death, is important to me, a Ulysses, a Das Kapital, a Man Without Qualities. It is incredible but my body of work already covers 23 years of my life. A record of so many places that meant so much to me but have already disappeared, Museum of Modern Art in Brussels, the Flying Scotsman strip pub in King's Cross, the brothels of Stuttgarter Platz Berlin, Pour Platin in Vienna, ABC Cinema in Brussels, etc etc.

Obviously all my books have one pretty narrow theme which could be summed up as sex, pornography & prostitution, preceded by prodigious amounts of drinking which usually render me quite incapable of enjoying the sex. But there are eras in my work, Soho stands alone, then there's the grand tour trilogy, then the – trilogy, then the post marriage trilogy, but I really feel ready for some new era now. I really do believe in the seven year itch as governing my life. 1992 to 1999 was so totally my Soho era, 1999 to 2006 so totally my European era, 2006 to 2013 so totally my Flying Scotsman era, and 2013 to 2020 so totally my second European era. Now 2020 feels overripe for new era to begin. 

6th December 2019

Whenever someone who does not deserve an apology from you demands one, never hesitate. Apologise in such a way they regret demanding one. Apology should belittle them. Humiliate them. The ability to shower apologies on the little people is sign of your greatness. Oh I am so terribly sorry! Confuse them. 

Most total way to get revenge on enemies is to be oblivious to them. "Sorry do I know you? Have we met?!" "Yes we've been trying to destroy you or bring you down anyway we can for the past 30 years!" "Oh I am so terribly sorry, why didn't you say something?" 

9th October 2019

I am turning lead into gold. This is alchemy. Under the influence of Pluto direct. I was going to hibernate but this is the most magical time to go out, October November mists and fogs. A state of mind. 

8th October 2019

Standing on the train to --, shaking, nervous, heart racing, it was already starting to get dark and lash with rain, and the windows of the train were all getting steamed up so it looked like thick mist outside, and with Pluto now gone direct it really did feel like our train was entering the Underworld, and made me think it WAS a right thing I was doing, and it was in this rather magical frame of mind I entered the dark -- and first girl this voluptuous Amazonian --, massive voluptuous bottom, instant erection. And --’s dark naughty face almost as arousing. It was quite a powerful moment, that first 15 minutes in the --. Worth it. Vindication.

17th July 2019

I am every day doing what I love most–writing and publishing my own books! What is there to be unhappy about! I am ejaculating whenever I want. I am going to Brussels whenever I want. I am going to Vienna whenever I want. Life is good. Enjoy it to the full in the next 15 years. I AM CONVINCED I WILL DIE OF A HEART ATTACK ANY DAY NOW SO NO POINT WORRYING ABOUT RETIREMENT> LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL NOW.******It's easy to say "oh if only I had started saving sooner!" But then I would have missed out on those mind-blowing fucks with Andrea, Lucy, Vienna Adelina, WSK Amanda and Jackie, Diane, Leyla. The best memories of my life were brought with that £22,000 debt. Beatrice, private dance with Empire Indian! 

So what, so fucking what if I don't have money to live on when I'm 65??? Just live in massive pleasure and massive joy for the next 10 years, fucking fuck myself to death! Go out with a fucking bang. The last great memory was 2016--three long years ago. Go back to Brussels repeatedly and repeatedly fuck this Sylvia. Live live live. Live the fucking life that is in you while you are still pretty, can still get it up, and these places still survive.

25th June 2019

Funny how my hero now is Byron when before it was Dowson. Yes feel so strong when I identify with Byron. I woke and found myself famous overnight HAHA. How my continued presence excites the pondlife into a frenzy. It stirs them up to a point they cannot control or bear. I'm the constant thorn in their flesh. I shall carry on. I am playing my own game and holding to my own line. 

How small they feel next to me.

Whenever you are abused just think of Byron. The vile abuse even such a great man as he endured, and now look what an all time hero. And how thrilling to know, even if I am forced into exile, the exile will be the most exciting chapter of my life yet. I yearn for exile, but delay only so I can go with as much savings as possible! All the dunces do just plays into my hands more. 

It was after exile Byron settled at Diodati and the most famous sojourn in literary history. So it will be for me. That is why I yearn for exile, and yearn for it to be forced on me, as if left to me I will delay indefinitely.

I need need to be forced into it. Come cretins, come envious dunces, come pond life. Please help ME do it.

Sweetest most polite person I know yet most abused, on level of Byron, Wilde, Van Gogh. Oh my, these cretins are so far below me, and with every year that passes.

9th June 2019

Like the Pyat Quartet, rich dense prose, character locked in his own private sensual world, follow a young man through the snow of Berlin, pissing against a tree with a full erection, before tramping on to Stuttgarter Platz and the loss of my Berlin virginity, and anal sex with black hair Pole Yulia.

I wanted my book to be a manifesto, a grenade, a pistol shot--a pistol shot that would start a war. Except the war had already started 

They attacked me and tried to shame me be cause of my sexual exploits, but I was PROUD of my sexual exploits! How infuriating for them! How enraging! And then I actually started going out with one of these naughty Soho strippers, and was fucking her every day AND every night, in my own bed! How that shot them up the arse once & for all! They never had much to say after that, funnily enough! Meanwhile my stripper lover took to the stage with my white sperm occasionally leaking out and running down her thighs as she was dancing. 

This was the extent of their humiliating defeat, and my sublime victory. 

29th May 2019

Two nights ago looking into the Fu Manchu trees feeling nothing as London is dead, but now they remind me of Brussels. Lush dark wet Brussels. Steamy eroticism.

21st May 2019

How my CONTINUED presence must disturb the stupid people of --! I foment them into a constant frenzy of agitation, annoyance I am STILL here, and still so fucking cocky and unperturbed. A prince in their midst. How sexy was that moment Sunday when I pulled my trousers down with Lala before a half hour handjob. Go on go on disturbing the stupid people of --, more and more and more. I am the thorn in their flesh. The bacteria inside their tiny brains. 

I disturb people, I shake them up, I make them obsessed with me. Sometimes with my silence, my apparent complete lack of personality, sometimes with my wild shocking debauchery. It was a strange mixture, and it made me impossible to get out of their minds. And I was still getting away with it. I think that should be title of my autobiography. 

15th May 2019

“Casanova was recognised by his contemporaries as an extraordinary person, a man of far-ranging intellect and curiosity. Casanova has been recognized by posterity as one of the foremost chroniclers of his age. He was a true adventurer"

17th April 2019

Felt Happy on walk home this morning, thinking to myself: I am happy, aren't I! I can do whatever I want! If I want to go to Brussels I can just go. If I want to go to Vienna I can just go. I can ejaculate whenever I want! I can orgasm whenever I want! I can fuck a Brussels 5th Avenue girl whenever I want! I can fuck Vienna WSK girl whenever I want! How sweet is life!

When I live in my own Charing Cross Road nest again my life is going to be more pornographic than ever before. This time with NO debt. All my spare money free to spend on myself.

Bored with Soho tonight as I know it’s time for The Stripper. Dakota, Rosenstolz? No, the book is about Scotsman, not Berlin. Hearing Chanson d’Amour makes me think of that Arena documentary idea. Write a chanson Arena documentary and that is when Berlin golden age will take centre stage. Pissing against tree in snow with erection that won't go down. Or just put that into Cold Icy Air? Develop Cold Icy Air, flesh it out with Dakota, Rosenstolz, Traviata, Titten Alarm. 

No mention of The Third Man in Autismus. The Dorint white waves on way to Norway. Between dream and reality, nights in Stuttgarter Platz. A novella like Soho (1999)? Stutti (2003)? 

31st March 2019 Serpent's Egg Day

656am Sunday 31st March, Serpent’s Egg Day - and absolutely pouring with rain! First rain I have heard for MONTHS. How glorious. Makes me want to look for Gloria this evening. If no Vivi. Start for sure with Charing X session around Garrick and Marquis. 

27th March 2019

Delicious delicious to be stirring people up again. Look at the quality of those who attack you and try not to kill yourself laughing. Love of mother and love for mother all that matters. Sure there is a desperate new campaign starting. How how delicious. I am going drive them unto a frenzy and feed on the rich blood the rich electricity.  A society is warped by a strange person in it's midst. They become obsessed with him. Seethingly jealous that he keeps on getting away with it. 
Become more provocative. Become more annoying. They are the Ones who are being annoyed and stirred up by your continuing presence. And still I progress. Still I bloom. Still more books coming out. Love love love the electricity, feed on the seething jealousy against me like a mother eating her own placenta. 
You are the one in the strong position, they in the weak position. 
How they hate you for your continued blooming and blossoming. And now the heat of spring is coming I am just going to blossom more than ever. Piling up the money now, debt down to £6,300 soon, and once I hit zero I will be invincible. Continually in the Cine Paris Brussels or WSK Vienna. 
How strong I am now. Stronger than March last year. And then I was stronger than March the year before. How invincible I will be when I hit zero. Exult in this summer now. The power it is going to fill me with. 
And my books carry on being published. People's obsession with me CONTINUES! Can you believe! My power over them remains total. My grip over them just tightens. I grip them in my black fist. They are still absolutely eaten away by thinking about me and my undimmed power. How delicious this summer is going to be now. With Gloria to enjoy. Vivi. Garrick. How funny reading the Vienna section of Autismus (1999) and to think the same blight is with me twenty years later but haha better to say the same blight is on THEM twenty years later. They still cannot escape from my greater beauty, greater intelligence, greater genius, my blooming and blossoming over them which absolutely torments and ruins their entire lives, while I go on publishing book after book, go on fucking one sexy curvy beautiful floozie after another. When I hit zero THEN I will fuck Gloria. Beatrice. 
Christ how WONDERFUL I still have them all in the palm of my hand, in my back pocket. How they hate my cockiness, my flaunting of my pleasures. Any coincidence this new campaign seemed to begin the day I got back from Brussels?!

17th February 2019

All works of art are monuments to a crisis. My books are all monuments to a period of anxiety in my life. They are each an erupting volcano, when the underlying pressure couldn't be restrained anymore, and the words explode out. That is so true for Therapy (1996-98), Soho (1998-99), Autismus (1999-2001), Lotta (2002) and The Cold Icy Air of the Mountains (2003-4). Then I started to be able to cope with life better and didn't feel such pressure and anxiety so then found it harder to write any more books! I was still putting my thoughts down on paper but they had nothing to coalesce around anymore, no particular pinch points. That is why from 2005 onwards I have preferred to publish my diaries only.
Twice I have fallen head over heels in love with a stripper, Chantal 1995 and -- 2006. One ended in therapy, the other in marriage. 
I will welcome less shifts from March onwards so I can focus on writing, travelling and strippers. A return tentatively to life. A re-emergence from bust to boom.
The goal of my life is to mythologise my life. If I could make films I would do that, but as the expense of that is out of my league, I must make do with the free method of pen and paper. In my books, Therapy, Soho, Autismus, Lotta, The Cold Icy Air of the Mountains, Diaries. The Stripper. 

Wednesday 23rd January 2019

Got first viewing 9 Kensington Church Street 2pm Friday. Round corner from McDonald's and no.9 bus stop all the way to Piccadilly. Realising I can get a place for under £900 has totally reinflamed my enthusiasm for moving, and now I cannot wait. Straight after Feb paycheque if I can. So many places under £900 close to Paddington and no.7 bus to Oxford circus. Really feel such affiliation with Paddington now. Will not be disappointed to let Kensington go by so I can then concentrate instead on Paddington.