20th January 2016
Some people don’t like the fact I am doing very well for myself now! This is understandable. They do not have the intelligence to rise above their baser feelings. That is why they just crawl out from under their stone every now and again. The pondlife. *** When any woman shows an interest in me I go off then completely. Even if I had fancied her enormously before that. As soon as she says OK then, I find it her quite repulsive.
***0043 Things I am most frightened of: Incontinence. Blindness. Having heart attack while having sex. Having heart attack while masturbating (more likely).
Christmas Eve 24th December 2016
Venice was already symbol to me in 1998: i am sinking, and stinking, but how beautiful and elegant and steamy with lubriciousness, and illicit sexual energy, decadent, compulsive, self destructive, liquid pleasure. Can I be saved? Yes save me from complete inundation, but do not lose the thing that gives me my dangerous charm and power. Same as Leaning Tower, yes save me from collapse, but don't put my tower straight because that would defeat object of the exercise! I would lose all interest! Yes, I am sinking but I want to remain sodden and moist with lubriciousness, not lifted clear of the water completely!
Anton Arensky string qtt no2
I realise all my favourite films are about uncontrollable passion, uncontrollable obsession. Love and lust that is too strong and becomes pathology. Bad Timing, The Night Porter, Last Tango in Paris. Pierrot le Fou.
10th November 2016
Whenever I am tense, stressed, nervous, I wake up with hard erections, and desire for nothing but to masturbate and fuck. Just eyes closed shut out the world, just masturbate and fuck like an animal. That is why periods of greatest despair in my life are the times of greatest most wild and rampant sexuality. When calm and happy, my sex drive disappears.
My Eros so infused by von Stuck, Menzel, Makart, a 19th C erotic aesthetic.
It is amazing when you turn the corner, how quickly things can start to improve and pace of improvement quickens., it is turning the corner that is the hard bit. After that it gets easier.
23rd October 2016
What an incredible sexual life I have had, belatedly, catching up for lost time, when I had such an incredible long life of repression when I was young; to think I did not lose my virginity till I was 27. I have been making up for lost time ever since. But still those missed chances will never leave me. If there was one person in this life I would dearly love to meet again it is --.
But us writers do, don't we? Throw us sunshine we will bask in the sunshine, throw us rain and we will bathe in the rain. Throw us flowers and we will write about flowers, throw us shit and we will write about shit. Throw us your all-consuming jealousy and savage envy and we will write with great amusement about your all-consuming jealousy and savage envy; "Oh! How sad! Look at their poor twisted seething ugly little faces! As I go on enjoying all my voluptuous pleasures! How difficult for them! How I must torment them!"
14th October 2016
On Brussels Klara classical radio you hear music from composers I have NEVER HEARD OF. Johann Joachim Quantz. But it all sounds totally normal music from the romantic canon, it could be Bach or Mozart or Beethoven. Why do we never hear these composers in England? Niels Wilhelm Gade. Fascinating. I actually think they are just playing Bach or Mozart, they just add made up names to it to make it sound more exotic, it sounds just like I would hear on Radio 3 but with totally unknown names added.
10th October 2016
My personal debt as percentage of GDP i.e. salary is 68.9%. I will track this figure every month now. Compared to 60.8% a year ago. Difference of 8.1%. Interesting to note my debt ratio in last month at Studio 10 was just 27% rising to 71% in 2012 just before E-- money, then rising again to 69.9% two months ago.
Just in next two weeks, Monday & Tuesday this week and Monday to Wednesday next week, I have chance to save up to £348 by NOT going to --. That shows what can be done! Suddenly that is £348 I could spend in Brussels at end of October or Vienna in December! And many weeks till we get to Vienna.
The thing is working at -- I SHOULD be rich, I should be PERFECTLY capable of renting a little studio flat of my own based on my £-- monthly paycheque; it is only the £1,000 a month minimum credit card repayments that makes that impossible. If I COULD reduce this CC debt significantly now, suddenly everything in my life becomes possible. From being on brink of ruin and disaster, I can pull back to a very comfortable place, where I should be while working at --.
But of course as always I cannot be down on myself too much, all that debt was incurred on pleasure, and in particular travel, so was any of that money wasted? No, it was all spent on travel. And if I had all that money back again, I would just straightaway spend it all on travel again. So it is not like I wasted all the money on some terrible investment, or on something that then got stolen and lost. I spend it doing exactly the most important thing I want to spend money on. That money brought me the most fantastic sexual experiences with Adelina in Manhattan, Fortuna blonde, Manuela in B Peep, Amanda and Jackie in WSK, Andrea and Julia, and Inna and Lucy iin Fifth Avenue, Maria in Pour Platin, Riccarda, Diana, Olga & Alla in Berlin etc etc etc. The only thing is for my safety and later harder life, I have to try to rein this in now. Rein it in for a while, just so I can go again. There is no point living like a monk and owing zero pounds and just carry on living like a monk till the day you die. I have to try to indulge as much of my pleasure as I can, while still young and fit and healthy (and single). I have to put all that pleasure in my bank, so when I am old and infirm at least I can look back and think well at least I did something, at least I travelled to some amazing places, and slept with some incredible women. That is why every penny of that debt is worth it. Not a single penny is wasted or do I regret. Yes, there have been some bad trips, but you never know until you get there. You have to keep spinning the roulette wheel to enjoy those occasional massive successes that live with you forever. The successes are of so much greater value than whatever they cost me in pure monetary terms. Adelina, Lucy, Andrea, Amanda, etc etc etc absolutely mind blowing experiences. The highs that you remember for all your life. Important to reach a philosophical position on debt, as much as a practical management position on it.
Living with -- the worst thing was all my debt was because of giving all my money to our private landlord. At least now I can look at my debt and know this time it was all incurred on pleasure, and pretty much erotic pleasure at that. If you are going to go into debt, nothing better to go into debt over than erotic pleasure. But now I have to give consideration to the roof over my head, and my quality of life when I have to live alone again. I can have a wonderful quality of life, based purely on my excellent salary, if only it was not for the debt repayments taking it all away. So a period of sensibleness must ensue, while still allowing myself my occasional pleasures like Brussels this month and Vienna at Xmas.
9th October 2016
"Take some down time, enjoy where you are, reflect on what it took to get here...would you do it again, was the investment worth the cost"
"All your hard work is paying off, you've invested yourself well, and you are putting your unique mark on it all"
"What you're doing is leaving a lasting impression, you're in home stretch, & will soon be going even further; even a new direction perhaps"
Rae Sremmurd Black Beatles. Mando diao. Hailee Steinfeld. Falco Wiener Blut
In January to September alone I have spent £2,242 on strippers, and that does not include all the beer I consume while doing it, all the drinks I bought for them & bar staff. STOPPING going to strip pubs for rest of year will make a massive difference. That is the turning point. THAT is only thing that will bring my credit card debt down, bring my credit card minimum payments down. Just think that £2,242 I had not spent on strippers I could have spent in Vienna and Brussels! Much better use of the money. That £234 I spent in -- last week alone could have gone on paying off my cards, and been used as spending money in Brussels and Vienna. That is the incentive. I am doing well, in August I reduced my credit card debt by £74 and in September by a further £240. Without -- I can be reducing it by almost £500 a MONTH. That is reducing my credit card debt by a thousand pounds every two months, potentially. The prize is there, and it is attainable. The low lying fruit is there.
24th September 2016
I almost crave the old despair, so I can return to the mountains and cold stoveless rooms. In this time of plenty & warmth, I must fill my boots & save as much money as I can. When disaster comes as it must, I will be ready with stockpile to head back to the cold icy air with. Sils Maria too. I am one of life’s outsiders; you can try to bring me in but I will never feel comfortable or happy; and will have to fly away again. Like Wendy tried to lure Peter in, but he had to go.
22nd September 2016
How lovely it is NOT to want to be in a relationship with anyone. Not to crave sex with anyone. To be completely free like that. Free to save my money, and travel more selectively. Thank God Berlin is over now. I can concentrate totally on the Brussels and Vienna route. Haha let my legend spread, and let them spread it for me. They think they are smearing me, they are just spreading my seed even further and doing it for me, like bees carrying pollen to germinate the whole world. They spread my legend for me and make it sure I will flourish and bloom and blossom even more. A bad reputation is a good reputation.
Ah the more they laugh and think to crush me, the more I rise above them, and their smiles turn to worried looks. This is not going the way they planned. Haha they act all cocky, as stupid people do that to try and hide their fear of someone above their level, but really they are frustrated and fearful and feel small.
Now they are more then ever tormented by their obsession with me. Their desire for vengeance may have made -- and -- do worse to me since Thursday, so they have smeared me more than before, but all they have done is tormented and fixated themselves even more in their jealous obsession with me and seething obsession with defeating me. Hahahah now I am on their minds all the time.
I have forced them to do WORSE to try to beat me, and still they do not succeed. I have forced them to shame themselves MORE. Everything -- tried to do to hurt me just backfired on her and made things worse for her; now -- and -- are discovering the same thing. I force my enemies to damn and shame THEMSELVES in desperate vain attempts to land one single blow on me.
11th September 2016
Falco Wiener Blut LEMO Himmerluber Wien. Panzer in die Disco. At top of station approach girl called out to me "Can I have your number?" Pretty girl actually, really cute.
10th September 2016
Fascinating to put my four books into chronological order in one document, I had forgotten so much stuff that was put into my reissued books. Long lost material that I only recently uncovered and put back in. Fascinating too to read through my Munich To Confound stuff as well. This claustrophobic, Wilhelmine world. Stuffy, sickly, suffocating, but struggling to break through and fly, emerge from my chrysalis. The electricity provided by the outside world's attacks was what I needed to finish my metamorphosis and emerge as the glorious iridescent butterfly, flapping above their heads, terrifying them, like the pterodactyl at the Geographical Society at the end of The Lost World. What have they unleashed on the world! What have they done! Why couldn't they just have ignored me and let me be! They cannot put me back in my box, back in my egg, back in my chrysalis now. They have sowed the wind, now let them reap the whirlwind. NOW the books at last started to emerge, Autismus, Lotta & Sophia, The Cold Icy Air of the Mountains, Casanova. The butterfly's journeys around Europe.
6th September 2016
26th August 2016
I AM enthused by To Confound! I think I can make something wonderful and florid and lurid out of it; and if I do that then I can do something with Nellie's Band as well, even smaller of course. Those two summers. Of rain and thunder. Christ now I realise there is SO much great stuff in Fin de Siecle. Perhaps I can do two versions, brief miniature To Confound, and long detailed Fin de Siecle. One the abbreviated speed read of the second. A man on the edge of madness, depression, completely bitten by the serpent of sex in fin de siecle Munich 1996-1999. Addicted to sex, revelling in it more and more, and the growing hatred and jealousy this attracts, till it is all out war.
1st August 2016
Interesting to learn or be reminded that Wedekind spent most of his life in Munich and died there, and is buried there. In the same cemetery is Heisenberg who invented quantum physics, and Leni Riefenstahl. Would also like to visit his house if I could find it.
30th July 2016
Christ what a magnificent life I have had. All the magnificent floozies I have fucked, groped, ogled. The Irinas, Patricias, Bella Rosa, Viktoriyas, Emilys, Riccardas in those magnificent Berlin rooms, Iga, Diana, the Monte Carlo kino girls, the Vienna WSK and Fortuna girls, and Pour Platin and Manhattan, the Brussels girls, Lucy, Inna, Julia, Andrea. The magnificent hours, days in the great porn cinemas. the magnificent slow stroking back and forth.
2130 Leon Boelmann Piano Trio op 19. Saturday night.
Marie Jaell cello. Liszt Mephisto Waltz no.1. Jacques Ibert concerto for flute. Adolf von Henselt Deux Etudes op 5.
How great to think Summer Solstice was June 22, already more than a MONTH past! The nights are drawing in already!
I wonder if I will ever meet someone I will fall for again? I mean EVER again? Will I ever fall for a girl again? There is Inna at 5th I am attracted to. Adelina at Manhattan I was attracted to. Christ she WAS beautiful wasn’t she! Maybe she was just on holiday last time. HAHAHA how my exploits drive my enemies mad, even just wondering wondering wondering WHAT is he getting up to? Hahahahahahaha.
29th July 2016
Now I WANT to go to Munich! I want to stand in the portico of the Justizpalast again. Don’t care how rubbish Atlantic City is or how expensive the private dances or pushy the girls. Don’t care. It is the memories. It is the wellstone, the lodestone. Bella Rosa Jay Z Build the Sands on You. Patricia handjob coming over her tits. Emily running cotton wool bud dipped in champagne around head of my penis. Extraordinary nights in Munich. Irina! "I want to come back to your hotel!" Suzy. Viktoria. Surely I could find SOME new excitement in Munich??? Since I split up with -- in August 2013 have I felt drawn to ANY woman, in terms of a relationship? No. Not one. Quite the opposite. I have veered happily away from every one of them who showed any interest in me.
It is amazing what a sexual pornotopia is out there, and which I am enjoying. To think I was there in the WSK cinema lobby while a completely naked Jackie stood there getting dressed. What pleasures I enjoy. Haha and to think the little people laugh at me and try to make me feel ASHAMED of these delicious pleasures I enjoy. Hahahaha.
28th July 2016
He besmirched his sight to betray himself.
"They thought to wear me down with constant attacks; they just filled me up with power and gave me the air I needed to fill my balloon and rise up above them. They gave me the fertiliser I needed to bloom and blossom to rise and flower above them, and leave them withering in my shade. They did not realise I was Fantomas looming over Paris puling all their strings. I provoked them into everything so they would give me what I needed. Their smiles of gloating triumph sadly misplaced started to fade, to looks of worry and bewilderment. This was not going as they had planned. They had never had a supposed victim play them like a piano before. I took over their small minds, I wormed my way into their consciousness, so they took me home with them and infected their entire home lives with me. They are obsessed with me, and they will never be free of me now."
(To Confound has got to be written in voice of strident hubris, madman genius shaking his fist at the world cackling. Yes he is mad, but mad like Fantomas. Fu Manchu. Surely Confound CAN be the very tiny germ from which my great book can arise. But MIXED with all the Berlin stuff, “I suffer gravity only to defeat it again!” Return to it but with mad surrealism, don’t stick to narrow chronology of diary.)
More than ever I can become pure Priapism. I have not even started. Now I must reboot and start again. I have the pills now, and I am free of the infection, and I have more money than ever before. And I am free. This can become the start of the most rampant time in my life. I started using the pills last summer but at one and the same time, chance or not, was crippled by this infection. At same time I got new job with more money. Only now I have beaten the infection can I start my rampant life for real. Inna and Mariana were just the start of it.
24th July 2016
There is a kind of dangerous desire for defeat, for only in complete abject defeat and despair, can one experience that release of pure nihilism, that eroticism of despair that enables real sexual ecstacy to flower, to bloom and blossom from the absolute fertiliser of shit in which one is now wallowing. For instance one can yearn for a wonderful blessed marriage to a beautiful woman to be lost because it restricts one's true desire too much so one can be free to wallow in shame and degradation again, one can yearn for wonderful job and career to be ruined because it forces one not to refrain from certain practices, so one can be free to wallow in shame and degradation again. This yearning for disaster, defeat, shame humiliation, as only then can you achieve real sexual highs. Only in the most abject lows can you experience the most sublime sexual and spiritual highs. A real Sadeian Nihilism. A French cyclist who wants never to win stages of the Tour de France or to ever again win the race itself so the despair and the bitterness can become richer and richer, like a child biting down on a loose tooth to release that amazing sweet taste of blood and feel that amazing pain. This whole attitude is prevalent through the life of the Marquis de Sade, and I recognise it so strongly in myself. It is both terrifying, and disgusting, and makes me want to cry, at the same time as filling me with a dangerous excitement, a devilish desire, a feeling that is my true desire. So sitting with my beautiful never to be unloved wife in a pub together looking at some lonely old man sitting alone all afternoon with his pint, quietly and with dignity speaking to no one, but just periodically returning to the bar to politely take another drink, I finding myself yearning to be that lonely old man myself as I get older. There is a dignity to them, a beauty. Like sad abused old dogs recovering from their terrible wounds in some dog sanctuary seem so much more lovable than noble happy dogs.
15th July 2016
The lesson I learn is make my life in the small places I enjoy: in the Orient Express, in the Cafe de Dome. Make my whole life in these places, drinking, watching the world go by. The big themes that play such a huge part in other people's lives, relationships, affairs, marriage, children, house, mortgage, mean absolutely nothing to me. What looms so monumentally large over everything in my life is my little bars, where I can drink, and watch the girls go by. A nice little porn cinema, a nice little bar filled with floozies, some window girls to ogle. A nice strip club to finish the night in.
8th July 2016
The little people, the really really stupid insects, continue to be fascinated by me, obsessed by me. How I torment them. How I run rings around them. How my success tortures them. Oh how I yearn to be back in porn cinema, and videokabin, the smells & the sights & the sounds. It is where I am happiest, where my spirit soars highest. In the dark of a strip club with young girl disrobing to pounding music. In brasseries a femme or night bar with half-dressed floozies lounging boredly around smoking, not bothering me. Surrounded by butterflies who make no effort to approach me. This is heaven.
Starting to feel a desperation to get to Brussels, and start to stick my iron rod into some soft pussies. But I never do, do I?
That Alphonse Mucha poster actually does remind me why I travel, and the mood I need to keep myself in when I do so. Jeunes filles.
It must be very galling for the small people to know not only did I survive, but how well I am now doing. Married the most beautiful, sexy woman in the world; now got the job of my dreams.
30th June 2016
Why am I not rampantly fucking my way around Europe like a wild rutting stag? Tooling like Byron in gondola, in alley, on table, under table, in carriage, etc etc? The infection in legs held me back of course. Hopefully this next couple of trips I CAN overcome my reticence and be that mad, lust crazed rutting stag. Anyone half fanciable.
29th May 2016
Pornography raises me to such a heightened state of sublimity, sensitivity, that it raises the pleasure and enjoyment of everything that then follows it. It is also the best temporary cure for fatigue. The best cure for fear. That is why I compare it to opium or some other narcotic drug.
28th May 2016
I AM the Protector, the Gran signore. And I am protecting myself. I am protecting the Garion inside myself. I am protecting the grand genius inside myself, the Neo latent in me who will one day grow and spread his wings, and explode, like a Shakespeare, a Samuel Pepys. You do not yet know my power. I am protecting myself, like they protect Damian in The Omen, until he comes into his power.
The Great Lord - King of Hearts
"The great gentleman is a rich and generous man, a protector, a person usually mature, cultured and reliable, difficult not to fall in love with him, has good taste in dressing, is much admired by women and much courted.
Obverse meaning
In love it is you, the man who asks for a consultation or you are in the thoughts of some girl who asks for a reading about you, you are certainly very coveted, the woman who lives next to you is very lucky, despite the many temptations you are faithful, you love deeply, you are serious with important values in life, an admirable and patient father.
Rarely do negative cards appear around the great lord that distort his meaning.
At work you are a man with great skills, you are a professional, you know how to adapt well to every situation, your colleagues trust your ideas a lot and your boss is proud of your work, original and creative.
20th May 2016
LIVE IN SMUT. SMUT SMUT SMUT. FU MANCHU. I WOULD like to write that Fu Manchu book, The Willing Cheeks of Fu Manchu. To capture that smutty, yellow world I live in. Maybe set in Soho of 1990s, the fin de siecle naughty nineties, dense fog, thunderstorms, gloom. Rickshaws. Fu Manchu in long yellow silk robe, with bulge of his erection clearly visible. Getting turned on just thinking about it. The yellow mags, the Italian mags. My life is smut. Looking for smut, searching for a great sexual experience.
I like to be controversial. I like to make waves. Then I can return to Soho again.***1539 Yes I want despair, ruin again, that is when EROTICISM comes back to life. When I come back to life. Taste my misery like blood in my mouth. Writing with blue hands in cold stoveless rooms.
A river cuts its own course, and I never go wrong. My instincts are always right. I am bound for better things and this is the route I have to take to get there.
27th April 2016
Whatever happens at work is totally unimportant, I drop my little grenades then wander off; life is in the lush palms and ferns of Nag’s Head with mega-bosomed Sophia, in Berlin and Vienna.
9th April 2016
There are so many pilgrimages I still want to make, to the Brocken Mountain, the Reichenbach Falls, to cross the Rubicon, to visit the Milvian Bridge, but I just keep going back to Vienna, Brussels, Nuremberg, Munich and Berlin. Those other places can wait till I am older perhaps, but I am getting there now. When will Eros ever leave me alone long enough to let me go on the longer journeys to more literary pilgrimages? Always the quick thrill dominates me.
31st March 2016
I don't think Europe or at least myself have got long before something truly horrific happens, so all the more impetus to travel more faster & faster and seize my erotic pornographic pleasures while I can, in Brussels, Nuremberg and Vienna, and Berlin.
0251 Floozies, strippers, they really are my opium. Strippers, pornography & prostitution are my opium. And alcohol.
30th March 2016
I woke about 4am and then can you believe spent the next seven hours in bed masturbating. An epic masturbation session. This is what I travel for. Great German porn, great German videokabins, those old Titten Alarm films and Katharina & her Wild Horses. This is what I travel for. Great porn and great big titted whores. Worth all the danger it puts me in. Can just as easily get blown up going through Piccadilly Circus or Charing X Station as I will in Brussels, or Vienna or on ICE from one place to the other.In Brussels the only really dangerous place I go is Midi Station and in future I will make a point of getting off Eurostar and leaving station by nearest exit as fast as possible. No more queuing up in Panos. Leave via the first side exit and walk around the corner to get to Ibis or taxi. Stay out of the Ibis bar, and after that I am pretty much away from the danger areas, apart from the Brussels Grill window.
25th March 2016
A good chance I will be murdered or severely maimed in Europe before 2016 is over. Makes the feral erotic experiences all the more intense. Sex snatched from the jaws of death.
This may be a brief flowering golden age before things turn very very horrible in my life. Whatever happens I will write my masterpiece, The Willing Cheeks of Fu Manchu. Seeds of the Pope.
Some big tits in a tight sweater. That is all I need. Don’t know why more porn cinemas don’t just show porn like this. I wish I owned my own porn cinema. It would be the best porn cinema in the world. There would be ferns everywhere, some places all violin music, some places all old psycho funk 1970s music, old blues 1920s music. In another room a stage with fully nude striptease. My dreams in life are all of a pornographic Priapic nature. That is my pilot light. That is the Nile deep underground inside me. My hinterland is all my erotic memories.
Don’t worry about a dirty bomb, all there is is pornography. Go out more rampantly and wildly than ever for all out pornography & prostitution. More likely to die of heart attack or cancer than any random act of terror.
This may be a brief flowering golden age before things turn very very horrible in my life. Whatever happens I will write my masterpiece, The Willing Cheeks of Fu Manchu. Seeds of the Pope.
Some big tits in a tight sweater. That is all I need. Don’t know why more porn cinemas don’t just show porn like this. I wish I owned my own porn cinema. It would be the best porn cinema in the world. There would be ferns everywhere, some places all violin music, some places all old psycho funk 1970s music, old blues 1920s music. In another room a stage with fully nude striptease. My dreams in life are all of a pornographic Priapic nature. That is my pilot light. That is the Nile deep underground inside me. My hinterland is all my erotic memories.
Don’t worry about a dirty bomb, all there is is pornography. Go out more rampantly and wildly than ever for all out pornography & prostitution. More likely to die of heart attack or cancer than any random act of terror.
Sunday 24th January 2016
The appeal of Berlin to me these days is sadly almost wholly nostalgic. Those great nights in 2004 in Stuttgarter Platz, Mon Cheri, Hanky Panky and Golden Gate. Riccarda, Yulia, Iga, those high nights that persuade us to put off suicide. Oh if I can know one great erotic high night like that again. The hyperventilating with erotic excitement heading up the road from BEC or Sarah Young to Stuttgarter Platz. It only takes one girl to bring a city to life. Never expected Andrea in Brussels, Julia, Lucy. Amanda in WSK or Jackie in WSK.
Friday 22nd January 2016
Bowie’s greatest years were when he was closest to death, on the precipice, 1972 to 1977, with cocaine addiction out of control. After that he wanted to stay safe, and stay alive, and live and love as a normal person. That was when we rather lost interest in him.
When great drinkers stop drinking we lose interest in them; glad they saved themselves but they no longer glow so bright.
People who lead safe lives do not inspire and thrill us and blow our lives apart. We are thrilled by people who put themselves in mortal danger, in some Faustian pact, and such was Bowie from the age of 25 to 30.
Incredible how Bowie's face seemed to age between Starman 1972 and Heroes 1977. By time of Heroes he had got himself back again, from the madness and insanity. But it's those 5 years of madness and insanity that we remember him for, and will always love him for.
Hard to believe just two years separate him from Dick Cavett 1975 to Heroes 1977. Like two different people. One was a monster lost in cocaine addiction, the other had got himself back again.
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